Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.
— Oscar Wilde.
This is the first post on my new blog. I’m just getting this new blog going, so stay tuned for more. Subscribe below to get notified when I post new updates.
Day Three of TMS
Due to a horribly suicidal mixed episode after my first TMS session, my doctor decreased my sessions from 21 minutes to seven minutes. They do three minutes on the right side of my brain and four on the other.
I’m taking 150 mg of Lithium, 1 mg Klonopin and 25 mg Seroquel every night to prevent further mixed states and am so glad that my doctor seems to have an understanding of using TMS for bipolar.
I have had several euthymic hours every day that are a fucking blessing considering what my life has been like for the last eight months. Just to go a couple of days without suicidal ideation has been refreshing and is giving me hope.
My brain does feel a bit strange and even like it is vibrating at times. It’s tolerable but distracting.
First TMS Treatment
I could hardly sleep before going in but functioning on a just a few hours sleep is not new to me. They did a calibration and my doctor assured me that she would do everything she could do not make my dysphoric mania worse that has been manifesting as a suicidal mixed episode.
I was extremely nervous but the treatment itself was more irritating than painful. However by the time I left the clinic I felted extremely revved up and twitchy. A really horrible feeling for me. I had to come directly home and just relax. About four hours later I started to feel normal.
By the time I was preparing for bed, I felt stable and fairly normal but then all hell broke loose when I woke up just an hour or so after falling asleep. Despite taking 1 mg Xanax as instructed by my doctor, I was in a full on mixed state and all I could think about was killing myself.
I took another .5 of Xanax and listened to some youtube meditation videos on anxiety and relaxation. It took a couple of hours, but I was finally able to wind down and sleep for a few hours.
Mixed States
So on my second day after Ketamine I experienced a dreaded mixed episode. I was crawling out of my skin and unable to interact with anyone or function. There is nothing like this feeling of absolute anguish. It is at these times that I want the pain and suffering to stop so badly that I regularly consider suicide because I cannot see any way out.
I was unable to sleep at all and simply lay in bed thrashing about as it was impossible to feel comfortable. In the past, Seroquel has helped my sleep during these episodes and I’ve come to use it sparingly because I want to save it for times like this and find that if I use it regularly, it does not have the same sedating effect. However, Seroquel did nothing for me during this episode.
I start TMS tomorrow and while I feel like the 24 hours I spent in that mixed state are passed, I have no confidence that those symptoms will not return and I have no reassurance that the TMS will not trigger them. It sounds like some patients experience mania as a result of TMS. I have never experienced euphoric mania. Only mixed states. And nothing is more terrifying.
Two Days Post Ketamine
So far it has been a miracle as I am no longer suicidal. What an incredible relief. Perhaps one you cannot even imagine without spending months with your brain gnawing on itself and leaving you no other foreseeable escape than suicide.
Still, I am cautious as it seems like my response is common and that it may fade at any time. So, I sit on what might be a precipice and hope that I do not begin to slip back. Or maybe it all comes crashing down at one time. Of course, this knowledge–along with my own personal experience that euthymia is never permanent–results in very cautious optimism.
If you are actively suicidal, don’t hesitate to exhaust every possible option regardless of what–be they well-intentioned or not–loved ones might say. No one else is in your body and no one has experienced what you have. I may only have two days of not crawling out of my skin but it has reminded me of what it is like to have hope and was worth every penny even if it fades quickly. It is like taking a breath of clean air after breathing in pollutants for months.
Ketamine and Me
It has been eight months of absolute torture that has included what they like to call “mixed states”. This is when the mind is screeching and grinding like metal on metal and suicide usually seems like the best option but you can’t even get your shit together to follow through on it. There may be a few hours of reprieve here and there but the overall sense of misery consumes you.
Like everyone else, I have been on every mood stabilizer and antipsychotic typically prescribed. I have a mood disorder that is not just unipolar depression but doesn’t meet the criteria for Bipolar I. I have even been on just about every antidepressant too but since the SSRIs can and do induce mixed states, they are avoided and Wellbutrin has been the drug of choice. Until recently.
Yes, this last year has brought with it a whole other kind of hell. So–again like everyone else–I find myself referred for TMS and ECT. As ECT will take a while to sort out and I have no one to drive me to the sessions three times a week, I have opted to try out TMS. When I arrive for my consult, the psychiatrist recommends a Ketamine treatment to get me through the weekend and I readily accept despite the $400 price tag because I have nothing to lose and any little savings I have are useless to a dead person.
The session is a huge relief while it is happening. It allows me to escape myself for a brief period. Or maybe I am one with the Universe during that time. Hard to say. Unfortunately, as soon as the Ketamine stops flowing, the world I live in comes creeping back in and within a couple of hours I am right where I was before the treatment.
However, I am able to actually get eight hours of sleep with the help of some Xanax and Seroquel and when I wake up, I feel much better. Sleep is the best remedy for these mixed episodes and I cherish it.
If you’re interested, follow me as I get calibrated for TMS next week. Like most in my position, I have exhausted talk-therapy and medications. I have even tried homeopathy and Eckhart Tolle. As an atheist and lover of peer-reviewed journal articles written on double blind randomized trails, these are the gestures of last resort.
Introduce Yourself (Example Post)
This is an example post, originally published as part of Blogging University. Enroll in one of our ten programs, and start your blog right.
You’re going to publish a post today. Don’t worry about how your blog looks. Don’t worry if you haven’t given it a name yet, or you’re feeling overwhelmed. Just click the “New Post” button, and tell us why you’re here.
Why do this?
- Because it gives new readers context. What are you about? Why should they read your blog?
- Because it will help you focus you own ideas about your blog and what you’d like to do with it.
The post can be short or long, a personal intro to your life or a bloggy mission statement, a manifesto for the future or a simple outline of your the types of things you hope to publish.
To help you get started, here are a few questions:
- Why are you blogging publicly, rather than keeping a personal journal?
- What topics do you think you’ll write about?
- Who would you love to connect with via your blog?
- If you blog successfully throughout the next year, what would you hope to have accomplished?
You’re not locked into any of this; one of the wonderful things about blogs is how they constantly evolve as we learn, grow, and interact with one another — but it’s good to know where and why you started, and articulating your goals may just give you a few other post ideas.
Can’t think how to get started? Just write the first thing that pops into your head. Anne Lamott, author of a book on writing we love, says that you need to give yourself permission to write a “crappy first draft”. Anne makes a great point — just start writing, and worry about editing it later.
When you’re ready to publish, give your post three to five tags that describe your blog’s focus — writing, photography, fiction, parenting, food, cars, movies, sports, whatever. These tags will help others who care about your topics find you in the Reader. Make sure one of the tags is “zerotohero,” so other new bloggers can find you, too.
None of the Fun 